Had another fight with Joe. Ended with me going to bed early to punish myself by not being allowed to go to bed with him. I know last night was the last night we will spend together in bed because his new work shift starts tomorrow and he'll stay up tonight so hes ready. I treat him like he doesnt know what hes doing and really he does and I dont mean to treat him that way. And to top it all off Ive officially scared myself. Seriously think Im on the verge of death. Between the lax and caffeine pills my heartbeat is funny. I catch myself forgetting to breath and I feel faint dispite trying to eat normally. Going to try to be 'normal' for a while. I want to focus on training my body. Want to be one of those girls with less that 15% body fat. I know I'm a large girl and will always be muscular but I want to get rid of the fat. Its nasty. Ill take muscle over fat anyday. As long as I always look like a girl. The day I resemble a guy I'll kill myself. I cant believe how truely fucked up I got. I am messed and I am messing up my life because of it. So fucking pathetic. And to make it worse my bf's ex is starting to copy me because shes a larger girl and wants to be thin. Well hun Im not fucking thin. Never will be. I could be 1lb and still be the biggest fatass on earth. Its called a fucked up mentality. She asked me one day what I wanted as a weight and I told her straight up I had an unrealistic goal. Shes like 'whats that' I said to be in the double digits which for my body time means I'm dead. Shes like 'oh...' Yeah thats right bitch fucking OH. Told her I was fucked up and she didnt believe me. Tells me she should eat more cus she cant eat anymore then she bitches about gaining weight. I ask her what she had to eat and she lists of all these sugary quick meal substitutes. I tell her to eat healthier and she comes back saying its a thyroid problem and thats why shes gaining weight. No girly its the hand to mouth problem. You get food in your hands and it ends up in your mouth. Shes only saying shes got thyroid issues cus thats what I got. I am about ready to scream at her. Tell her how fucking fucked this all is and she needs to smarten up. Ive already told her Im on the verge of being hospitalized and again that stupid 'oh'. Told her Joes threatened to admit me cus hes scared for my health. Went home early from work yesterday and he just looked at me. I never go home early. And today I feel like fainting. Drive my motorcycle in today and if I hadnt I'd be on my way home. Feel bad enough to not want to get back on the bike. Fucking eating disorder. Why did I have to get bulimia? At least anorexics are skinny even if they dont see it. Bulimics are fat and we know we're fat. And the prob is we're more likely to die because noone will suspect we have an ed and therefore we dont get help. Told my therapist I had an ed and she looks at me and goes 'no I dont think so. Tendancies maybe but not an eating disorder' and shes a fucking ed expert. Ok if you knew have the shit I go through and what goes on in my head when I'm sitting in the middle of the floor in agony for the laxs and bawling I bet youd lock me up in the mental ward. Grrrr. Sorry I'm in a ranting mood today.

Well I have been doing good this week. Been hardly taking the laxs but have been restricting instead. I eat only a small bowl of raisin bran cereal without milk and mostly only eating the raisins while throwing the rest out. Then I go home have something small like a bowl of soup for supper :) so doing well. Already theres a change in my collar bones and stomach. Had a doctors appointment on weds and I weighed in at 136.5. Tooo fricken much. Gained 10lbs in a year. So fricken sick. I want to be down to 120 this summer so I am going to keep restricting. Done well so far so I know I can manage. Anyways I have to leave work before they set the alarm so I will post more later.